I feel like I’m in a confessional whenever I start writing a blog post after not posting for a while. It’s January 2015 and my last post was published in October – OC-TO-BER! There have been so many things I’ve wanted to write about – Thanksgiving, XTERRA, and Christmas to name a few – but like many bloggers experience from time to time, I’ve struggled with where I wanted to go with this blog.
When I started I Run This Mother, my intent was to publicly chronicle my running and weight loss journey as a way to keep myself accountable. I believe keeping a blog helped me reach my weight loss goals in the last few years and more importantly allowed me to process some tough times in the written word. As time went on, however, I felt like I got sidetracked by the inevitable #selfie culture you get dragged into when you have even the smallest audience looking at what you present as “your life” on social media. “Am I writing TO my audience or FOR them? I thought I was writing FOR ME?” are thoughts that went through my head. For a while, the “fitness” bloggers I admired seemed more like braggarts, and I wondered if I was appearing self absorbed. I mean, it’s one thing to be proud of your accomplishments, it’s another to duck face your way through a social “ME”-dia campaign. Seeing that in myself occasionally made me very unhappy, not to mention the fact that I was at odds with myself over presenting only a certain side of my life. I considered shutting down the blog altogether.
Late last year, however, I decided to start keeping a handwritten running journal where you are asked to establish a vision and goals, and I had a revelation. Over the last year, I’ve lost and gained weight, I’ve had successes and learning experiences on my wellness journey due to changes in my life and lifestyle, and all of it led me to this moment. My vision for my journey to age 40 this year doesn’t require me to lose a particular amount of weight or run at a certain pace even though these things will help me understand my current level of fitness along the way. My goal is simply to find PEACE with all the negative voices in my head, all the negative experiences I’ve had, and move forward happily. Negative thoughts and self talk have plagued me like a disease all my life. “When am I going to finally say shut the hell up and rip those tapes out of my head? When am I going to fall in love with me?”, I thought. I decided THIS would be the year. Enough is enough.
In order to do this, I need to acknowledge the whole person I am and I’ve been seeing more and more of my joys appear over Instagram oddly enough. I’m a mom and a wife who is in love with my family and strives to keep us healthy. I’m a geek girl who loves hippy jewelry and Star Wars, Disneyland and hip hop, street food and buying local. I am grateful for life. To find peace on my journey, I feel compelled to celebrate and share these things about me and these things I love. I am moved not only to be really upfront about my struggles but to humbly acknowledge my successes, and to let myself be happy. I’ve rarely had a negative experience while blogging or sharing my journey on social media and I hope it stays that way because there’s enough negativity out there. My opinions do not have to be your opinions, but respect and positivity are the rules of this road. I have nothing but love and empathy for other human beings who acknowledge the vulnerable part of themselves and want to learn more about it. I embrace people who want to connect rather than build walls.
So here I go, 2015 – ready to share an update to my bucket list, write about my running and training efforts, my family, my passions, my loves, and my quest to find peace on the journey.
Thank you so very much for following along. There is power in your likes and comments and beautiful smiles and I’m endlessly grateful for all of it. More to come from me soon.